April's' Fools
by Cloud-Cuckoo-Land
Summary: As of next year April Fools day is officially cancelled until further notice, by order of the Captain. Slight ending amendment and epilogue added. Short explanation added as to who the surplus characters are at story heading.
1. Chapter 1

A/N My idea of humour will of course not be everyone's cup of tea, but with my wacky sense of fun this story did make me chuckle when It first popped into my head. I hope readers will excuse my faux pas if it brings a frown rather than a smile. Can't please everyone.

* * *

Regarding queries about D.A.C. , Major Zhükov, Starbase Aluris and the cadets, I have intentionally been uninformative, as an explanation will come in another story, of who, how and why they came into the plot. These one-off stories that mention them, are in fact just part of an ongoing adventure, that is still a work in progress. The mind works in mysterious ways, just as dreams, sometimes with no rhyme logic or reason, my mind creates in no specific nor organised order, I just have to be patient until it reveals the direction the main theme is taking. Like I said I'm not a writer, I just dream up stories and write them as they come, I blame my brain it has a mind of its own :D

* * *

April's' Fools.

Chapter 1. Suffer Fools Gladly.

"No, No and No again, have I made myself clear ? You are not coming into my kitchen ever again, the last time you got in here your com badge fell into the plumbex soup and you sent sixteen crew members to sick bay with gastroenteritis, If you come anywhere past this boundary I will have security lock you in the brig for trespassing. It's no good pouting and looking all offended you are not going to get round me this time, once bitten twice shy, as the saying goes. I've learnt my lesson where it comes to food and the kitchen, its in everyone's best interest to keep you as far apart as possible."

"Aff Neelix, it's not my fault these things never stick to my uniform, and besides Lt. Torres made me one with a pin see... so it can't fall off now."  
"The answer is still No, you're a catastrophe, an accident waiting to happen. Remember what you did with the four thousand Mungado eggs you were supposed to put away. You forgot to set the cooler to freeze, so they hatched instead. We had to put them off at the next available planet, which was a week away. It took me days to clean up the cargo bay where we stored them, but the smell still lingers."

"It's lucky for you they matured rapidly and replaced the eggs that you allowed to hatch, otherwise the crew would have had to go without some of my famous recipes that require them. I think the Captain was half tempted to put you off the ship with your brooding flock."

"Ok ok, you made your point with your usual flamboyant exaggeration. I still think you're making mountains out of mole hills Neelix, those things can't happen again."  
"No they wont, and I'm not about to let you create any more mayhem in my domain, so scoot, shoo, vamoose, and stop badgering me. I'm not going to change my mind no matter what you say or do. Look I'm not heartless you know that , I'll make you anything you want within reason, failing that there is always the replicator. So take it or leave it, but your staying out of my kitchen and that's final."

With that Neelix turned his back on Alyx and walked away, leaving her looking defeated and rebellious.

"Hey Alyx, whats up? You look as if you're planning an insurrection the way you're glaring at Neelix, whats he done to get you so riled?"  
"He said I'm an accident waiting to happen, a catastrophe causing mayhem in his kitchen, as if I deliberately poisoned the crew."  
"Ah yes i remember that." Tom exclaimed with a grin.  
"I was on duty in sick bay when it was overrun by vomiting crew members, I did not have enough sick bowls to hand out, and had to replicate more.  
"Oh don't you start as well, I just had all that from Neelix." She retorted indignantly.  
Tom laughed.  
"We all make mistakes, even Neelix." Trying to placate her.  
"You would not think it the way he was carrying on about the eggs that hatched." She chuckled.  
"Does he still think it was by accident?" Tom asked nonchalantly.  
"Tom are you insinuating it was not?" Alyx exclaimed in mock indignation with a mischievous grin  
"I would do no such thing Alyx."  
"I always thought you a shrewd young man Tom." She winked.

"Ever heard the saying _Don't get mad get even_?" Tom asked.  
"Nope, but I guess it's some old earth saying. Sounds like good advice, but how do I get away with it?"  
"Well , there is an old earth custom coming up soon called April fools day, on the first of the month, and it's customary to play tricks on people, harmless fun one's mind, nothing nasty. Why not come up with something to play on Neelix, that should make you feel better."

"Hey you two. What's the conspiratorial discussions about? Can anyone join in?" Harry asked.  
"Sure, grab a pew, I was just telling Alyx about April Fools."  
Harry grind, Paris and his old earth customs had led them into trouble on a few occasions.  
"Remember that time we programmed the console and replicator to say ˝˝_Live long and prosper˝˝_every time Tuvok used them." Tom reminded.  
Harry laughed remembering Tuvok's face, he only managed a raised eyebrow in true Vulcan style showing no emotion.

"Did you get punished for it?" Alyx asked with interest.  
"No because we did not get caught and Tuvok had no proof it was us, even though he suspected it was." Kim answered.  
"Are you going to be playing any tricks this year?  
"That would be telling , we might we might not." Tom said.  
"Now if you want any help with pointers, just let us know, we'd be glad to assist, wouldn't we Harry.

For the next three days Alyx, Rohan, Garon and Dexa planned and plotted their campaign furtively every free moment, when not occupied with D.A.C. or ships duties. Tom could not get a peep out of them about what they were up to, and he was doubting the wisdom of having told Alyx about April fools. Goodness knows what they were preparing for the poor unsuspecting Neelix and he began to get a little pang of guilt, but it soon passed as he was busy contriving plans to entertain the crew with a few practical jokes of his own.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 **Trials and Tribulations.**

Tom woke, got dressed for his shift and rapidly gulped down a slice of toast before heading to the bridge at top speed, he did not want to be late and miss seeing and hearing all the entertainment that was about to begin. He met Harry along the way to the turbolift, who greeted him with a knowing smile falling into step with his mischief-making partner in crime.  
"Hope you're ready for the fun and games?" Tom asked.  
"As always." Kim replied with a grin.  
Tom laughed also, but at the things he had done that Harry did not know about yet. They got into the lift.  
"Bridge." Kim instructed. It did not budge.  
He yelled bridge again, as if there was a deaf lift operator sleeping on the job. The computer informed him that non-essential personnel are not permitted on the bridge.

"What do you mean, non-essential personnel?" Tom asked in a huff.  
Deck one he demanded trying a different approach, hoping to fool the cantankerous lift, only to be told that the bridge was off-limits to non-essential low ranking personnel.  
Tom looked at Harry who shrugged his shoulders.  
"It's not my fault" He said.  
"It's not one of mine either."  
The door opened and Ensign Wildman got in.  
"Are you two going anywhere in particular, or just joy riding?" Samantha asked with a friendly smile.  
"We are trying to hijack this thing, and hotwiring it to fly us home to the Alpha quadrant. Tom replied jokingly.  
"Well can I borrow it before you go? I need to get to my post on time."  
"Be our guest." Tom said, curious to see if this lift had any intentions of going anywhere at all.

"Chakotay to Paris, you're late for duty as is Ensign Kim, any chance of you both showing up for work today?"  
"We are having problems with the turbo lift sir, it refuses to take us to the bridge."  
"Well get engineering to run a diagnostic on it and then report to your stations."

* * *

"Warning regeneration cycle incomplete, warning regeneration cycle deactivated."  
Seven opened her eyes, looking round to see who or what had caused the programme to stop prematurely. On seeing no one, she turned to her console and began a diagnostic on her alcove, until her keen sense of smell picked up a rather disgusting pungent odour that she was unable to recognise, it was rapidly filling the cargo bay and reducing visibility to nil.

"Warning metreon gas detected, all hands abandon ship." Seven tapped her com badge to find out what was going on, but it made no sound, the cloying stink was making her gag, she felt her way to the exit, hoping that there would be fresh air in the corridor to breath before she vomited. Thankfully there was, and she breathed in big gulps of it to try quell her contracting stomach.

Seven was able to make contact with Neelix, who informed her of the chaotic state of the ship, and requested that she head to decks four and eight, to free the those crew unable to leave their quarters because of jammed doors.  
She acknowledged Neelix's request with a raised eyebrow, another strange day was afoot.

* * *

Tom and Harry were not relishing the climb up the Jeffries tubes. It was getting rather crowded in there, and as hot as a furnace, seems the environmental systems were playing up to, it was obvious all the turbolifts had been infected by the gremlins as well, since no one was getting to where they wanted to go.

They arrived hot and sweaty to the Captain's warm greeting.  
"So glad you could join us gentlemen, hope you're ready to get some work done. It seems the ship is in rather a cranky mood this morning, and is creating some strange glitches all over the place. Not only are the turbolifts on strike, but the gravity generators on decks nine, eleven and twelve have switched off, and we have floating crew members stranded on ceilings and no communications with Engineering from up here. We have to relay any messages through Neelix, who seems the only one able to reach them.

Tom looked at Harry with raised eyebrows, which the eagle-eyed Vulcan security officer did not fail to miss, and asked if he knew anything about the occurences.  
"No nothing at all." He said uncomfortably, Tom had a good idea who was responsible for these malfunctions, but was not about to become informer, and tell Tuvok about his suspicions. It was all harmless fun after all, no one was hurt.

Tom and Harry had hardly taken their places when more distress calls came through from various departments. Crew not turning up, turbolifts not functioning or trapping occupants inside, and the fire suppresents had activated in the cargo and shuttle bays creating containment fields.  
Anyone with Engineering experience, no matter how limited, became secondered for liberation duties. Lt. Carey had relayed to the Captain that he was flooded with off-line or overactive systems shipwide and that Lt. Torres had not reported for her shift.

* * *

**Will-O-the-Wisp**

The Captain looked at Tom suspiciously, what day is it today she asked no one in particular. April 1st Chakotay informed her with a quizzical look. She rolled her eyes and sighed with comprehension registering in her mind.  
"That explains everything, it's the day of fools and we are the victims of some pretty nifty inventive pranksters. When I get my hands on the culprits causing all these disruptions, they will wish they'd never heard of April fools day.

Tom wriggled uncomfortably in his seat, he had no desire to spend more time in the brig, and began to wish his shift was over, so that he could get back to the peace and safety of his quarters. He could sense the wrath of the Captains glare on the back of his neck, making him feel guilty for all the things going, even those he was not responsible for.

"We will need to start going over the entire ship with a fine tooth comb. Start with priority areas first. Run level three diagnostics. I want to know what has been adjusted, repaired, overhauled or tampered with in the last week and by whom. Lets see if we can fix and stop any further problems before they arise and maybe find the guilty parties responsible. I want some heads to roll for this chaos." The Captain ordered impatiently.

Hardly had she finished her sentence when a tune _Klingons on the starboard bow,_ began to play loudly. Tom had to laugh, that was a funny song, someone had done their research in the archives well, to dig that old thing up. Kathryn sat in her chair, head in hand, this was going to be a long eventful day. She felt tired already and needed a cup of coffee, no make that three.

"Sounds like something you dug out of the 20th century Tom, you sure this is not you're doing?" Chakotay asked amused.  
"I swear this has nothing to do with me Chakotay"  
"It better not be Tom, or I'm going to bust you down to crewman and you will be cleaning the exhaust manifolds for the next year." The Captain said strongly, just as another rendition of the song began, drowning her voice.  
Kathryn raised her hands in submission, shook her head in despair and thought, give me the Borg any day.

* * *

A/N Not wishing to break any rules or copy right infringements, I named the song differently from its original title. But to give credit to the performers and if anyone wants to get a feel of what the poor bridge crew had to listen to, the real title is Star Trekkin across the Universe by The Firm. Youtube it, its quite funny.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.** A Fools Errand.**

Neelix was struggling to get any work done in the mess hall, he was inundated with messages for Engineering from all over the ship. Communication was in chaos or non existant. He was now heading for B'Elanna's quarters, they needed her badly, no one had been able to contact her, and the computer had been no help as to her whereabouts, saying that she was not on board.

Neelix rang the bell but got no answer, he contacted Tuvok for the override code to her cabin, she was not inside. Asking the computer again for her location, he was told that she was on deck 18, Neelix bulked at the thought, as that would put her outside and in space, Voyager only had 15. Well he could hardly go over the whole ship looking for her on a wild goose chase. She would eventually turn up with or without the computers help.

The best place for him right now would be back in his kitchen, making as many comfort foods as he could muster, he had a feeling the crew would need some morale boosting after their mornings escapades, but he found his way blocked by a force field. He contacted the Bridge in alarm, and was told that he would be added to the long list, someone would be along to free him eventually, he just had to sit tight and wait.

* * *

Lt. Torres had woken up from a dream about a very busy night with Tom, she yawned and stretched, wondering what the time was as her alarm had not gone off yet. The computer informed her that it was 09.30 hours. Her eyes widened in realisation, she was late for work as she shot out of bed, grabbing her com badge to inform Engineering that she was on her way.

She did not get an answer, but was in too much of a hurry to give it a thought, as she ran to the turbolift still thinking about last nights dream with a smile on her face. Arriving at her post she was greeted by Vorik and Nicoletti. Anything to report B'Elanna asked.  
"Nothing at all, everything is working within normal parameters Vorik informed her ."  
Looks like its going to be a routine day, she hoped. The Captain had requested a level five maintenance check on all systems, and it was already in progress thanks to her well organised efficient staff.

* * *

Thankfully Neelix did not have to wait long, he was begining to worry about not being ready for the lunch time rush. Seven had come to rescue him, and in her usual brisk no-nonsense unflustered fashion she had the force field deactivated in five seconds. After asking if he was unharmed she updated him on the situation so far, and instructed him to return to the mess hall until further notice.

Some of the turbolifts were now operational and the levitating crew had been returned to terra firma in an upright position with only a few minor casualties. They were making their way to sick bay with just a few cuts, grazes, lumps and bumps.

Upon arriving, they were greeted by the floating head and torso of the Doctor who was wearing nothing more than a pair of angels wings on his back and horns on his head, chanting, I am the Grim Reaper not a Doctor, what do you want? Unless you're dying don't bother me. Needless to say the injured beat a hasty retreat, their cuts and bumps instantaneously forgotten at the sight and sound of this strange apparition that confronted them.

* * *

Kathryn was pacing around her ready room angrily, these pranks had gotten way out of hand. Tom had been sent to the mess hall where the injured had collected while the Doctor was indisposed. Communication throughout the ship was still erratic, and B'Elanna was missing. Lt. Carey was doing a great job coordinating things, but all hands were desperately needed on deck, to clean up this mess as quickly as possible.

Thankfully the Klingon song had stopped, Chakotay had realised that it was her voice that set it off, hence why she was ensconced in her ready room to prevent any further activation of the by now very irritating tune. Five renditions of it from start to finish was more than any sane person could bear.

Alas the Bridge had a new tormentor. Tuvoks voice reciting the Painway Protocol. When ever he used a console it would list the six rules...

If you want to live long and prosper, always remember the Painway Protocols!

The Captain is the Boss.  
The Captain is always right, even when she is not, and her logic is flawed.  
You don't mess with the Captain.  
You always play by the Captains rules.  
The Captain has the first, last and any words in between, on all matters.  
Obey the Captain at all times, even at your own peril.

Tuvok was now forced to give verbal instructions when he wanted something done, as everyone's nerves were pretty much frayed already after the singing. At least the disco lighting that went off every time he spoke, was quiet, if not overly bright from all the colours of the rainbow.

* * *

**In The Hot Seat.**

Chakotay was on the whole a patient man with an easy-going temperament, but even he had his limits. He'd had his ears assailed by a strange song repeatedly that was hardly euphorious, and recited impudent protocols over and over, the shipwide systems were in shambles, not to mention the crew, and Kathryn relegated forcefully to the ready room, was not his idea of a good start to the morning.

He had been unable to sit down, as his chair would do one of three things each time he tried. He had given up and taken the Captains seat, to avoid the farting sound , having his rear burnt or being forcefully ejected unceremoniously to the floor, each time he sat down or changed position.

He was going through a mental list of things he would do to those responsible for these morning antics that he thought the Captain would let him get away with. So far it was a very short list of can's and a very long list of cant's.

* * *

Neelix had made it safely back to his kitchen, much relieved to be able to make a start on his Happy Meals as he called them. Pizza was top of the list as most people enjoyed it. He also paid extra attention to desserts too, as Naomi had once told him that sweet things always cheered her up if she was feeling unhappy. After six hours of manic activities, Neelix felt sure everyone would be ready to have their spirits lifted with something enjoyable.

* * *

**A Parody of Errors.**

B'Elanna's morning was going slowly, she was looking forward to lunch with Tom and an afternoon on the holodeck together at Sandrines or the beach. She and her team had almost finished the shipwide diagnostics and everything seemed to be in good working order, she was about to make a start on the warp core assembly when the alarms began.

Warning Structural Integrity Field failure in thirty minutes!  
Warning Hull Breach on deck 18.  
Warning Warp Core off line.  
Warning Inertial Dampening Field flux generator fluctuations detected.  
Warning Klingons detected on the starboard bow.  
Warning Kazon flying to the stern.

What on earth is gong on here, the computer has gone crazy or the ship has, damn there goes my peaceful routine morning B'Elanna thought, as her brain got in gear to deal with the incoming problems.

"Nicoletti run a diagnostic on the SIF generators and the warp core."  
"Vorik check the IDF generators and activate the backup systems."  
"I'll check the computer cores, subprocessors and optical data network." B'Elanna ordered.

"Computer check the processing cores."  
"Unable to comply."  
"Why?"  
"This service is unavailable."  
"Activate the backup computer main frame and processing core.  
"Unable to comply authorisation code required."  
"Authorisation Torres Omega Phi 93."  
"Unable to comply authorisation code unrecognised.

B'Elanna was ten steps away from a breach herself, as well as the hull at the rate the computer was driving her patience and sanity to the brink .

"Run a diagnostic on the subprocessors"  
"Please rephrase the question, unable to compute.  
"Run diagnostic on the gel packs and isolinear chips."  
Unable to comply, insufficient data.

B'Elanna was torn between despair and rage, she did not know whether to tear her hair out in frustration or punch the computer in the nose, but it did not have one and she'd be damned if she was going to cut off her nose to spite her face. So she plowed on, although it felt like she was clutching at straws, trying to get this demented computer to understand anything she said, let alone do what it was asked to.

"Is there anything working correctly on this ship?" She asked in desperation, hoping to get some truthful helpful answers.  
"All systems are working correctly and at peak efficiency."

B'Elanna gave the console a murderous stare.  
"Status of Structural Integrity, Inertial dampening field and warp core."  
"All systems are working within normal parameters."  
"Status of the computer mainframe?"  
"The computer mainframe is unavailable for comment, at this moment in time.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.** Fools and Food with Attitude.**

The mess hall was alive and filled with vibrant chatter as the crew mixed and mingled, exchanging stories of their mornings adventures. The scuttlebutt regarding the D.A.C. was spreading like wildfire, and creating more of an uproar than all the pranks that had befallen the Alpha shift.

The Good Morning Voyager chat show hosted by Neelix had been a sensation, as he regaled adventures of his clandestine investigations regarding rumours and gossip that the D.A.C. were in fact not really helping Voyager, just luring them into a false sense of security, while plotting to capture the ship and use it for its own purposes, stranding the crew on the nearest M class planet.

Trying to serve the ever growing line of eager hungry crew while chatting about his show, was normally not a problem for Neelix, but today his pots, pans and serving dishes had become very vocal, and it flustered and distracted his train of thought. At least it was making people laugh, even if he could not see the funny side of things, he took his cooking very seriously.

He put up with it, not much he could do, goodness knows he'd tried everything, but to no avail, so he just let it run its course like all the other pranks that had eventually fallen by the wayside over time.

The Pizza had been a great success and no one was put off by the warning, hazardous substance within, eat at your own risk message that came with it. The Bolian tomato soup was giving off some strange smoke signals with the letters S.O.S wafting above the pot and yelling Save our Stomachs each time someone helped themselves to a portion. The Foraiga cried Intruder alert Leola root detected, eat with caution., just to add to the repartee.

B'Elanna, relieved that her shift was finally over, breezed into the mess hall looking for Tom and spotted him with Harry devouring a huge slice of pizza hungrily. She flopped down beside him.  
"Boy you would not believe the morning I just had."  
"You just had ! What about the rest of us?" Tom exclaimed.  
"Where have you been anyhow? The whole ship has been in turmoil while you were A.W.O.L. Everyone has been up to their gills in pranks and problems all morning."  
"What do you mean, where have I been ? In Engineering of course." She retorted flabbergasted and confused by Toms comments. Seems not just the computer had gone nuts today she thought.

"On what ship, because it certainly was not this one." Tom replied  
"What are you talking about? And what on earth is going on in here? She asked after noticing the strange messages and smoke signals floating around the galley.

Tom laughed.  
"It's April fools day, and that's just a taste of the things we had to put up with, from striking doors and turbolifts, singing consoles, force fields coming on-line, antigravity fields going off-line and a Doctor turned Grim Reaper to name but a few, it's been quite a shift for those of us at work.

"So how come I did not get to hear anything about all this.? B'Elanna asked disbelieving, thinking Tom was just joking.  
"Because you were nowhere to be found. Neelix looked for you in your cabin, the computer said you were not on board. Lt. Carey said you had not reported for your shift."  
"Admittedly I did oversleep, but you can ask Vorik and Nicoletti or any member of my staff. I was at my post running the system wide diagnostics that the Captain asked for, and dealing with a recalcitrant computer that was determined to drive me insane, as you are doing now with your warped sense of humour."

"My warped sense of humour! That's funny coming from you. The captain could not get hold of anyone in Engineering from the Bridge, all coms went through Neelix who was liasing with Lt. Carey, he'd stayed on to co-ordinate rescue and repairs as you were not at your post." Tom explained.  
"This all sounds crazy, punch me, maybe I'm still asleep and dreaming."

* * *

**All Shipshape and Bristol Fashion.**

By sixteen hundred hours the last of the force fields had been deactivated, all crew liberated from their various places of incarcerations, and the ship had finally settled down and returned to normality. Only the Doctor was left to be reinstated to his original form, he had grown quite cranky at people joking, Oh Doctor you don't have a leg to stand on. Or don't worry he's armless.

The Captain was in her ready room drinking her sixth cup of coffee.  
"Slow down Kathryn, if you have any more caffeine you will go into warp ten and push this ship home faster than it can fly." Chakotay said with a warm grin.  
Kathryn waved a dismissive hand in the air with a sigh. After todays events, getting home now would not be a moment too soon. She was looking forward to a long hot soak and then a good book in the peace and quiet of her cabin.

"What are we going to do about the culprits ? Chakotay asked.  
"Lets find them first, and then worry about punishment later." Kathryn answered.  
"I think if you put out the message, it will make a bigger impact coming from the Captain in this case."  
"Very well Chakotay. Attention all crew this is your Captain speaking. I want everyone who was in any way responsible for this mornings fiasco to report to the briefing room in thirty minutes, otherwise I will be forced to take action and punish the innocent as well as the guilty.

"If no one comes forward, investigations will be carried out. All holodeck privileges will cease. Replicator usage will be strictly limited to essential items only. No shore leave and double shifts, after which everyone will be confined to quarters.

"I will leave it to the individuals involved to question their own conscience and honour in allowing others to be punished for their deeds, and let them choose the right path. Captain out. I hope I will not be disappointed."

* * *

**He who has the Last laugh, or Just a Fools Paradise.**

Well well, why am I not surprised by the turnout." Kathryn exclaimed as she walked down the row of the first six miscreants, who were standing shamefaced and sheepishly looking at their feet. Upon reaching the seventh and eighth, she stopped to look at them.  
"But you two are a surprise, I never would have guessed. At the ninth she rolled her eyes in disdain and asked What are you doing on my ship again?"  
"I'm glad to see that you have some sense of decency to own up, and take responsibility for the shambolic morning and extra work you needlessly put your fellow shipmates through, in the name of fun. I did not appreciate nor find it funny to have my crew so blatantly abused in such a manner, for your own personal amusement at their expense.

Commander Chakotay will speak with each of you individually, and then come up with a suitable punishment. Until then you're confined to your new quarters. Tuvok, initiate transport to the brig.

* * *

**Fait Accompli.**

"At least you were spared from any personal pranks Kathryn, it seems that rule three of the protocol was adhered to, and respected by our resident jokers."  
Kathryn smiled, relieved at finally getting this day over with, as she made her way to her cabin with Chakotays words still in here ears.

She sank lovingly into the hot bubbly aromatic water, closed her eyes and drifted off to the peaceful Monastery she had been to not so long ago. The water was getting cold long before she had finished her walk in its gardens. She was ready for a good book and then bed now that she felt soothed and relaxed.

Opening her eyes and reaching for a towl she was horrified to notice that her skin had turned blue and it was not the cold water either, but a blue as in Bolian blue all over her body.

"You're going to wish you'd never been born when I have finished with you, damn it!" Kathryn said out loud in despair and frustration that she had been pranked.  
Scrubbing plasma manifolds and keelhauling will seem like a walk in the park by the time I'm done."


	5. Chapter 5

Epilogue.

**Repercussions, Reparations and The Q.**

Kathryn and Chakotay had debated long and hard regarding what would be the best form of punishment and fair, depending on the extent and severity of the individual's involvement in the shenanigans. They had the PADD's at hand with the personalised assignments for each of the guilty parties.

A form of community service was devised by Chakotay as compensation for all the crew affected by the chaos. They would get time off while the miscreants took their shifts for a few hours each day.

Tom and Harry were dealt with first. The Captain had decided not to demote Tom again, feeling it to be to harsh a punishment for the part he played. She had been surprised that he and Harry had infact been quite restrained with their pranks, compared to the others who had been far worse.

Tom and Harry looked at their additional duties and assignments for the coming month, it left them no free time of their own, but they were grateful, it could have been much worse. On the whole it would be tolerable except for not being able to use the replicator, and having to eat Neelix's cooking for the duration.

* * *

Next came the D.A.C. cadets.  
What am I going to do with you all that has not been done already? Chakotay and I are running out of punishments to give you, you're in trouble so often, nothing seems to deter you. It seems you have far too much free time on your hands and not enough stimulation to occupy your minds, other than thinking up ways to get into more trouble. Allowing you free unsupervised time is a luxury that is ill-advised, since you can't put it into anything constructive.

So we decided that you should join the children when they take their lessons. If you apply yourselves, you might actually learn something useful and interesting. The cadets looked at the long list of studies and extra duties, groaning in unison and were about to protest. Kathryn raised her hand to stop them.

"I don't want to hear any complaints, this is the last chance you will get to redeem yourselves, any further problems and I will contact Major Zhükov and let her deal with you. If we can't make any headway towards improvement in your behaviour, I'm sure she can.

Four pair of eyes widened at the name of their Commanding officer, knowing that if she got her hands on them they would be receiving a very harsh punishment indeed, they did not fancy the idea of R & R on Hell's Island, a place for the rehabilitation and re-education of habitual rule breakers. They filed out of the Captains ready room in morose silence resigned to their fate.

* * *

Neelix now entered but after seeing the darkened faces of the cadets, he did not hold up much hope of any light punishment. He heaved a huge sigh and walked in to face the music

"Neelix as you did not actually play any live pranks on the crew, we have decided to hand you over to Major Zhükov. She will instate you as a temporary member of her crew on the Starbase Aluris for a week, so that you can get up to speed on how things are run in the Confederation, to clear up any misconceptions and doubts you may still have. Maybe your next transmission for your Good Morning Voyager show will be more accurate and less fictitional in its content.

That did not sound so bad Neelix thought, relieved to have been spared from scrubbing the plasma manifolds again. Give the Captain and Chakotay their dues, they were tough but fair.

"One more thing before you go Neelix, you will have diplomatic as well as catering duties while you are there, and as the base has a contingent of five thousand on board, I'm sure you will be kept quite busy gaining a much needed new insight to our allies.

* * *

Q appeared with the click of his fingers.  
"I wondered if you would show up." Kathryn remarked.  
"I would not miss it for the whole continuum Kathryn. I'm a glutton for punishment, the more you give me the happier I am. I'd love to see you get physical, in black leather and waving a whip, but can we get rid of Chuckles first, his looks are intimidating, and will ruin the mood.

"Why did you come in the first place?"  
"Oh you know how quiet and boring the continuum can be Kathy, nothing interesting ever happens any more, it's always the same old same old. So when I heard Tom telling Alyx about this quirky little earth custom of yours, I felt I just had to come along and join in the fun."

"Yes I can imagine its just up your street, playing jokes on people."  
"Oh come now Kathy, don't be such a kill joy, where is your sense of humour. I think you look rather fetching in that adorable blue. When does it wear off by the way?"

Kathryn glared at him in dismay and frustration.  
"How does one punish a Q ? I can't lock you in the brig you'd just vanish. I can't throw you off my ship, you'd just come back, you're a law unto yourself. There is no higher authority I can appeal to for a restraining order. What can I do with you?

"Oh don't be so coy, you know what you want to do with me, take me to your bed and have your wicked way with me, please, please. I promise to look chastised and repentant for my crimes after you have finished, and I will even cook dinner."

"Just let yourself go Kathryn, drop the holier than though Captains straight jacket and chastity belt, let's make wild passionate love together. I don't care if your blue , green or red with purple spots all over. I want you my adorable Kathryn."

"That's enough Q, never in a million years, I'd rather mate with a mutant amphibian."  
"But you already have, don't you want a change from something so primal and boring as Chuckles here, when you can have an Adonis of perfection like me?"

"Get out NOW, I never want to see or hear from you ever again, is that clear."  
Kathryn was infuriated and flustered by this mans flagrant audacity. Q or no Q he had to go.  
"Oh Kathryn you have stolen my heart. I love it when you get all fiery and emotional. It stirs my desires."

"Get out of my ready room and take your disgusting desires with you, before I have security remove you by any means possible, even if it takes a photon torpedo to shift you."  
"I shall return when you are in a more receptive mood mi amor, the blue skin must be affecting your hormones."

"OUT"  
Click.

* * *

Kathryn watched Seven with interest as she walked in, not as full of her usual self assured confidence, she could feel her intense gaze, questioningly trying to gage her mood.

"You are disappointed with my behaviour, you expect more from me than juvenile immaturity. I have let you down again Captain. I'm sorry."

"No Seven, on the contrary. I am amused and surprised that you took part in such a thing. You have come a long way in your efforts to integrate and become humanised, experimenting and trying out new experiences and emotions. I'm glad really, just curious who put you up to it, was it Tom?"

"No it was Q, He said I would not recognise humour and fun if it came and bit me in the butt, to quote his phraseology. He said I was incapable of any emotion and lacked understanding of the human ability to laugh at the mishaps and misfortunes of others.  
He claimed I had no feeling or imagination and incapable of being able to play a prank on anything other than a protozoan."

"That sounds just like Q all right, stirring up trouble as always."  
"I was foolish to have let him bait me into taking part. I regret my actions Captain, and will accept my punishment.

"There won't be any Seven, your motives for taking part in April fools day was not the same as the others. You were trying to learn something about yourself. I can't fault or punish you for that."

"That's how we understand what it is to be human, through trial and error, making mistakes and learning from them, it's how we progress and find out what kind of person we are. It's through experiences that we truly appreciate what emotions are.


End file.
